Deep Dive: the gift of encouragement

I went to an event a few weeks ago. Writers of all kinds, poets and novelists and short story authors, stood up in front of an intimate group. One by one they were called to a podium and (helped by a glass-or-five of wine) they read an excerpt of their work to the group.

It was sweet, inspirational, and raw. In many cases you could feel how nervous the speaker was. If you’re not a writer maybe you don’t understand that, but in my opinion, it’s a hell of a lot easier to write than it is to share what you’ve written.

Afterward, I found myself going up to people and saying things like ‘oh, you did great,’ and ‘I loved what you read.’

But there was another woman there. She had grey hair, a big flowy shirt, and an intense (present) stare that made her seem taller in the room than she actually was. She had a contagious positivity. She too went up to the readers and gave them compliments. Folks lit up from her compliments in a way they did not from mine.

It wasn’t hard to identify why. She said things like ‘what you wrote about death hit me in the heart. It resonated so much with how I feel,’ and ‘oh my god, that one line,’ and she’d recite the words, ‘will stick with me forever.’

I know how scary it is to do something that makes me uncomfortable. I know too, from experience, that those writers are going to cherish her compliments for a long time.

Words have weight. I drove home that night replaying hers. People stood up straighter when she complimented them. As if she’d breathed pride right into them.

A 2022 study out of the University of Chicago found that people consistently underestimate how much a compliment or expression of gratitude will mean to the person receiving it. They worry it'll seem awkward, or obvious, or like too much.

But the receiver? They almost always light up. They found this was especially true when the compliment is specific. Specificity sticks. When someone notices the particular thing you did, the exact quality you brought, it tells them: I see you. Not just what you produced or your nerves. You.

Perhaps that is why I was so enamored with this woman. Because she was in that room with her eyes open, present, and doing nothing more than seeing everyone fully. Yet it felt rare. And it felt like something I’d like to bring to the people I meet.

So this week, the invitation is simple: say the thing. The real thing. Not the ‘I’m scared to be awkward’ thing. But just know that it might mean you have to be willing to really see the people around you.

Until next time,

Live your light.